i have officially lost myself. didn't know which way to go but here is where it got me. and i hate it. i don't like it. i don't love myself. i don't adore myself. i don't even want to be me anymore. i miss my old self. right now, i feel like crap. i feel like i'm the girl you can find on the streets, take me back home and just throw me back out. simple to say i feel cheap. no i have not give my virginity to anyone. it's the other way around. i hate this. i really really hate this. God must've hate me. i don't want to do this. please take me back in time where everything was fine. please. make time. i dont want to be here. i am so dissapointed with myself. why. why did i choose this. why did i choose to ruin everything that i am. i just simply hate my life for now. i don't want to do this anymore please. make it stop. please. build a time machine. let me change please. this hurts a lot. i want my old self back. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for myself. and for what i have become now. i don't like this i hate this. please make it stop. please save me please. i'm so disgusted with myself.  i'm not gonna leave you. i'm so in love with you. just you. you/re my fucking queen, you're everything i want. there's no another. baby, it's just you. i love you so much. you're not gonna leave me too right? see baby, i'm gonna wake you up today with so much love. why did you say something wrong? why did you bring up such stupid thoughts of yours about school studies. why were you so stupid. just leave me. no baby, i'm just kidding, i love you. just you. my princess. let's do something together. let me fuck the shit outta you because it's just you baby i promise. let me fuck the soul out of you. give yourself to me. baby, somebody's coming to my house i gotta go. i love you just you. okay?  i'll leave you to sleep and i want to go out with my friends but i just don't want to tell you that. i will leave you confused. i will leave you thinking why why why why why when you wake up. i will leave you to cry the 70% water in your body make you all drained up that you don't want to feel anymore. i will make you shut down your phone because you don't want to hear anything from me, i will make you write about me, so what? you promised you won't leave. if you leave, i will tell all my friends that you were the one who broke the promise. i didn't. i did not leave you. i mean, i would never leave you. i'll just make you feel like it's your fault. that over thinking about a relationship is wrong. that being yourself is wrong. that being in love is wrong. that being a jealous partner who cares so fucking much is wrong. that being the one who gives every fucking piece of yourself is wrong. you promised you won't leave. right? you don't want to break that promise right? you don't want to feel like it's your fault. right baby? you love me right? you love me so much you promise you won't leave and i'm gonna fucking use that word. i'll use that word to do all stupid stuffs that will hurt you because even if i did, you won't leave me. silly bitch. you won't leave me. you're so fucking in love with me.
it has been a long terrible and great while since my last post. not to stop writing, just didn't find any purpose on doing. i don't know, i'm not lost but i'm not here either. i'm not happy but i'm not sad. don't know. a lot of things happened the past weeks and i... am so depressed. if i were to be honest with myself, i am depressed. i laughed i smiled but i swear to god every damn night i cried. i cried over the past and i hate myself for such. i really don't know what to feel nor do. grab me. grab my hand tell me which way to go i am lost. i'm numb. i don't know. i've been so mean to people around me but i swear i don't want to but what else could i be when being nice is not a good payback in return? my past hurts me. i am dying from my past. i don't want to remember it i swear but i can't. it's there. it's always there. i'm scared. i'm lost. help me. i feel like my past is winning. everything that had happened ruined me fgs. i need my old self back. i'm so tired.  i feel like the whole world is againts me. i don't want to be here. take me away. i want to go. i am so tired :( there's so much to say but so less energy to do such. it's not even my fault but they make it look like it is all my fault. they said that they are hurt and make it look like i was the evil one. i am not. just bcs i smile when you push me down it doesnt mean that i am okay. i am so sick. i can feel the hate you know. i can feel it deep in my bones. how is it my fault that your friend is with me now. how is that my fault when i just go with flow. how is it my fault that your crush is with me now. when you dumped him. how is it my fault. i lost my friends. i lost my best friends. and how is that my fault? i dont know what do you want from me. i've nothing else. do you really want me dead? bcs it hurts a lot. too much to be honest. its like 1 vs a million. stop bothering me i'm so tired. i think im losing my mind bcs at this moment right now, im doing things i should not. i want to die. i want to die. help me i want to die.  depressed.i am depressed. you see, after the things happened last month, on december with a little part of november. I was told by myself to be heartless. and by heartless i mean, heart. less. no heart. so after some days pass by and with me, myself being the heartless zee. i liked it. i like trusting nobody because nobody can be trusted. like ive told you before, you've lost my trust. and you said that you understand it. then why now when i say i dont trust nobody, you're pissed off. what do you want from me? you can't blame me for who i am. i am who i am now and whether you like it or don't then whatever. i've trusted before and it killed me. what do you expect? don't expect anything from me and i know to be with me with who i am now, is pain. i know. i know it hurts to be with the heartless zee. so if you think of leaving then go, i believe there's someone better than me. i told you before i've got nothing. do not, strictly, do not expect me for anything. i say it when i want to it. when i don't then i don't. i know it hurts you, i was told by myself to be heartless to lock myself up from anyone to approach. so as you told your reasons on why you came back, don't expect me to be my old self back, i am not. if it hurts to be with me then leave. i don't worth your time, space or whatever shit. i am broken. don't pick me up. it is impossible. stay away from broken people.  school is crap. life is crap. i want to die. will not tell you exact story but i am not invisible. i might be ugly, stupid or whatever shit you think i am but i am not invisible. Let me tell you being thought of invisible, sucks. you are yourself one helpless bitch but still treat people the way you don't want to be treated. Well laugh, because at least you have people to support your back. *not going detail with who is the people* . I get it that you have everything i don't but i despite the scars i have physically and mentally, i still have feelings. it was an embarrassment, disappointment and most of all, depression attack. Bitch you lucky i don't have anything harmful objects with me or i would've just kill myself. i'm not needed anyways. waste of space. waste of air. thank you for such actions. so much. made me feel so undeniably crap. i shouldn't have be here. i should've move school like i was supposed to. why did i stay its January 2015. well what can i tell you? i spent new year's eve and the new year itself in my room with musics. how lifeless is that. there's nothing much i could tell you guys. but i do have some feelings to confess. i, don't care about anything anymore. i mean, it is what it is. but today, i don't know. he kept on making believe that things will change and maybe i will own my old self back but in meantime he keeps on breaking me. i've no one to tell because i think its better to keep it to myself rather than seek for help. people aren't robots you know. their feelings change. you see, he has been lying ever since the break up or maybe before, i don't know. clueless. Like today it was when he said he was going to sleep and then i found out him liking a picture a girl, whom i used to or maybe still dislike. one thing about girls, is that they are completely a f b i. of course to you people its not a big deal to like a picture but i don't know. i know him. i just, sigh. i am really confused with my feelings. i mean i told him that there is no relationship no more but then again i am still jealous in every single little things. is that a sign to show i love him or is that just a girl? i mean i don't know, maybe i do but i am tired of my feelings. or anyone's really. they end up, crashing me. like before this, said he was sleeping at 12 and then i found out he liked a picture of a girl whom i starting to dislike at 4 am. If you don't want to talk to me i understand, just tell me. because for god sake who the hell wants to talk to a girl like me? it hurts both ways but i'd rather know that you don't want to than finding it out myself. I believe you dislike me in every way i am, i mean, seriously i don't have that skinny shit body, i wear scarf, i don't like to explain more but you know, just a complete opposite of a girl you like. it hurts,  a lot. really. i punch the wall today and yikes my fist is red. bruises i believe. i was so mad i couldn't handle it. you made me feel like a complete ' no one wants you here' yea. and i seriously do not know how do i handle school. you're going to flirt or hang out with other girls, and it is going to tear me i'm sure but i also know that maybe that is what you do best. and maybe that is what keeps you happy. so go on. play on. i'm ok. i would probably will hide my feelings and i hope i'll do my best on hiding it. because if you really love me, then you would not ever hurt me. i see, what my parents been through. and it opened my eyes and shut down my heart. so if you love me then act like you do, if you don't then, im ok. go on. play on.

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