it has been a long terrible and great while since my last post. not to stop writing, just didn't find any purpose on doing. i don't know, i'm not lost but i'm not here either. i'm not happy but i'm not sad. don't know. a lot of things happened the past weeks and i... am so depressed. if i were to be honest with myself, i am depressed. i laughed i smiled but i swear to god every damn night i cried. i cried over the past and i hate myself for such. i really don't know what to feel nor do. grab me. grab my hand tell me which way to go i am lost. i'm numb. i don't know. i've been so mean to people around me but i swear i don't want to but what else could i be when being nice is not a good payback in return? my past hurts me. i am dying from my past. i don't want to remember it i swear but i can't. it's there. it's always there. i'm scared. i'm lost. help me. i feel like my past is winning. everything that had happened ruined me fgs. i need my old self back. i'm so tired. 

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