lately, a lot of people been telling me that i am a snob. specifically, a lot of boys/guys because i refuse to reply to any of their messages since they know that i am by myself now. Well not to be rude or boastful but this bugs me a lot. Makes me so mentally depressed. Its not like i don't want to or i want to it's just, the more you open up to people, the more the heart collapse. and day by day mine just keeps on going. what's the point of saying hey. what's the point of having such pointless conversation with different people. because i'd rather just have a meaningful with one. but that would be long gone because i'm done trusting guys. It makes me think twice, or triple really why do they say hey and expect me to reply and go on a conversation with them. I mean what's the point. and i am currently so scared of losing my words now because this just keeps coming. They expect a bond but won't even understand why i refuses to reply to them at first. Like if you want something, you don't just go and approach it. you know. sometimes being a wallflower is pretty worth it. How do i tell them or should i even tell them? No. i should never tell them. Then there will be the part where the judge you and they'll say, --oh that girl is so complicated she thinks im into her--. kind of part. I mean what do you really expect. You do know if the conversation keeps on going, one of us is going to fall, and i am pretty sure that i'm not falling anymore. for some awful reasons. What are the intentions they have on having a conversation?  Not being able to understand why is the person like that at first but expecting a long journey. And you would probably say, the dudes maybe have their reasons as well. Well, they do. In fact everyone does. But what are their reasons to start a conversation? To keep their time filled with joy of playing girls' heart. I'm pretty sure. Yea, i should not have say that before really knowing why but some of the dudes already have a girlfriend. Then why the hell on earth would they call me 'sweetie'. Because those are the names that makes girls fall and they know that. they also know their status but just i don't know, they won't stop. As if one is not enough. Is this what he has been doing behind me when he went out or talk to other girls? oh, thoughts and their evil army. So don't blame me for being so heartless towards people and don't say that i am a snob kind of person because i have my own reasons. and you have to be more than the whole world to change me. That means, you don't have to try. Because i myself know its impossible and for the record, i, myself, have stop trying to win my heart again. how can i get my tears into words? and will the box ever be enough? it is how he once convinced her that she was the one and only. and how he loves her so much that he don't want to give up but she make her give up instead in the end. and how convincing those texts, kisses,hugs would be but then be completely screwed because of one stupid thing. how do you leave her at house and give your hugs to another girl? and how can you say it is just friends? when she is at home contemplating over it. how do you do that. how do you think she can ever trust you again after shits you put her through. you were all what she wanted. and how amazing she convinced herself that this is going to stick like a glue. or maybe a nail on the wall. and then why do you must go and make a mess! i hate guys. first they make me heartless than ever. and then they make me to not to trust them. IT HURTS. IT FUCKING HURTS. they fought again tonight.  i couldn't handle the rage over me so i said my part. and i was told, i am rude. well i am glad to be rude than being a jerk who only plays with girls' heart. whats around me, has taught me so much about guys. what has happened to me, has ruined me. why do guys do this? why can't you stick with her how she stick with you. why can't you respect her as a woman herself. why must you hurt us. why must you make us fall deep into you and then shatter it for another one. for her. and don't tell there's no her. because there is. even if there's not, how could i ever believe in guys anymore? it is a lot of pain to conquer. i must say you won the gold est medal in all history with the tittle of jerk on it. how do you not see she is hurting. how do you think she would trust you again, even after you promised her, do you think she will forget? she never will forget. anything she wont. everything that you are. you are a liar. you had a fight with her, you make her feel so depressed about herself, and then you go out with another girl? and how do you fucking think that it is okay?! BECAUSE IT NEVER IS OKAY. i hate guys. i hate guys. i hate guys. i don't even think i have feelings for them anymore. and i don't know how am i going to live with the scars for the rest of my life. what i see and what i have been through, honestly made me so heartless. why are you doing this to us?  what can i say? i haven't eat for 2 days. i don't know what's wrong with me. what's wrong with everything around me? i don't get myself. i can't seem to accept things i should. I don't know myself. I'm crazy. I honestly feel like i'm using people for my own good but i'm not. sigh. it's like, do you know the feeling when someone loves you for who you are but when it comes to you, you can't do the same thing. Its not like i don't want to its just i can't. sigh i dont know i'm not strong enough to endure all of this things i guess. it sucks you know. it sucks that i can't do the same. It sucks to be me. I hate myself for causing people to cry. But i swear to God i don't like them like this. My friends, family, boyfriend, i don't know i feel so useless, i can't do anything right. I'm weak. Do you ever just break down because you just hate yourself too much for causing people to feel unwanted or make them dissapoint of you? sucks. it sucks. He always blame himself but honestly i can say, it is always my fault. never his. because i can't seem to take him at his breaking point like he did with mine. not just him, other people too. i don't know what is wrong with me. It is not and never his fault. well except for not controlling it thats a fault. but if i'm actually being honest with myself, it's my fault. He's everything a girl could ask for. His sweetness, dirtiness, kindness, i should be grateful for everything he is. but that's my problem. fuck my life. i'm weak. but i will try my best on everything. even tho again, i'm weak. hide. i hide my feelings from people so they won't know. why don't i want them to know? because i don't want to be a burden. I'm done being one. I've always cried at school and my friends would pat me on my back until one day i decide myself i don't want to be like that anymore. Independent, is that what it is? No, its actually because i don't feel right having people knowing me. Right yeah no no its not like that. How do i make this simple and easier? Of course everyone needs a shoulder and a person they can cry and hug to but i don't know. I myself feel like its burden for them to help me because i cried and for them to ask me if i'm okay, it makes things worst. You see, when i don't tell them how i feel deep down, i know its not a good thing to keep it all to yourself but i have this feeling where i would keep it all together and cry, all to myself but then i know, things will better that it does not have to be this way or me feeling this way. i have that feeling.  i feel like if i keep it all to myself, i would learn how to be strong and i would probably somedays have those mental break down because too much but i honestly say, i know everything happens for a reason. it is what it is. that if something you want to don't happen, i guess that's it. That is what He wants. I know things arent always how i planned to be but if this is my fate then i have to accept and not nag on it as if i'm hating what He has written for me, because i know His plans are way better than my dreams. I don't really know if this is on point but, i'm not hiding anymore. I'm telling you, i'm here. behind the keyboard. so how do i begin? how do i elaborate what i feel inside?how do i not cry while typing this? okay. so. she's finally back with her best friend again! i am beyond happy because deep down i know she still love her. and deep down i also know i don't deserve her. right now, this very second, what i really am feeling is guiltiness and loneliness. i'm guilty for making myself believe what i should have never and i am sure very lonely. i mean, i lost a friend. again. to make it even worse. how silly i have been for thinking i was the only flower in the garden. i was just green bean, new planted. and eventually i'm gonna die soon. which means i'm gone, soon. now. i don't really know how to put this into words but to be honest, it hurts. for once i thought i would feel better again. i don't blame her for this because its my fault really. how could i be so nonchalance about this? how can i not see where this will get me? God. I am very tired of losing people. friends to make it more specific. i've no one. in the end, people leave. and there's no one else i should blame but myself. i put myself in a pit and i burned the rope. god i'm really tired of losing people :( for once again after my once best friend when i was 13, i thought this was something like what it was. but silly me. silly billy me. i should've known. i made her a present, for her birthday and to be honest right now, i feel like throwing it. It wouldnt mean anything, anymore. She has got her again, She was for her. How could i have been so blind? What was i thinking? I've made myself worse day by day by letting something really stupid to bother me. don't misunderstand me. i'm happy that you're happy. i need to learn how to be independent, i guess. i'm so happy you finally get to talk to her again. Honestly i am. So i guess this is it, at least.  losing friends. i don't know what to describe about it but it is a pain. we all have friends and i bet we all loses them at some point in our life. well i am going to share about mine. 'mine'. back in  the days, she was my charger. she was my best friend. i hate to say it. 'she was'. its like everything that you had together was all going to be destroyed by one stupid mistake. she ditched me. to make it even worse, she ditched me for a guy i used to like. fullstop. enough to break your silly heart. for record, this is not about the guy but she herself. why? why would you replace me for a guy, love? why are you so easy to believe in his words? he is lying to you. everything that he is, he's a liar. you were suppose to trust me and pick me up when i fall. but where were you? i loved you. blergh. i hate past tense. so days pass by and she's not apart of me anymore. it was sort of like she found a new house to stay. she just flew away and i am very well enough to think that i can't cry over losing her because that's the best part. if it weren't because of this heartbreaking tragedy, i wouldn't know who she is. and that is why losing people have this strange overwhelming feeling because we all thought we know who a person really are but we don't. not until they walk away or letting them go. and the comeback is where it shows the most. who they truly are. she was my best friend. it sucks to be ditch but she was my life. i appreciate her for being there at one point in my life. i appreciate her. she teaches me what 'friends' really means. im ready to let go. thank you for stopping by my dear, have a good life ahead of you.

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