constantly crying but laughing and then i laughed like a little baby so innocent yet then again i took the razor and the pills trying to go away. what is this life? depression would be the evilest thing that has ever happened to me. since when did i start throwing myself into a pit and flame up the stairs? since when did i start putting myself in a crowd and then cry? since when did i break the alarm glass and stay in the fire? my ... what a sick life this is. its like it was yesterday i was okay but i started to lose myself the next day because my cat die. a stupid metaphor like that. and i feel like the grass is all over me and i don't seem to find the way to get up from them. and so i stayed under the grass, and i hurt them. but they helped me to be more green and healthy but i... hurt them. i grow my roots deeper and longer holding them, relying on them. and i apologize every time. but still i can't throw myself out of them. i'm handless. legless. i'm depending on them and it sucks because i'm hurting them. some times i am sorry for myself. i'm sorry for putting myself into too much but i know where i am is where God wants to put me. i some times don't even bother on what you feel inside because i know i am at the deeper situation than you will ever get. so i learn to live with the pain but it some how made me heartless. you could get hit by a car in front of me and i would just look at you. as heartless as that. and then i will apologize for not saving you when i know it was helpless. and do you know what that is? 

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